As we explore effective leadership practices in our business lives, taking the time to examine the role of leadership in other areas of our relating makes service or servant leadership a holistic practice that does not shut off at the end of the day. It might seem odd at first to look at service or servant leadership in romance, but if you think about how leadership dynamics affect all areas of our lives, it actually makes a lot of sense and can help to deepen our understanding of effective leadership actions overall.

After meeting with a top relationship coach, John Wittry, in Denver, CO, I studied the list he provided regarding men’s and women’s needs from a point of pure relationship. Upon further reflection, it hit me that not only is leadership the number four need of all women it must be the number four attribute/quality requested or required of all men! In other words, leadership is critical to all loving, successful relationships. Analyzing further, almost everything on the list for both men and women is supported by service or serving another human with heart and soul, or coming from a place of love. As I look more and more into what I want and need in a woman and the principles I work with during my coaching, the connection of service leadership is incredibly powerful and deeply rooted.

So, as we ask ourselves, “How are we supporting the needs of our partner or spouse and serving them without attachment?”, do we know their love language, and are we serving them through leadership and leading with service? One might have guessed most men want/need honor and respect, and most women are looking for safety and security, but not so obvious was that women look for leadership in their relationships. Try this on: We know ALL followers—men or women—look for compassion, guidance, strength and trust from leader(s) in their lives. Which we could agree are four strong guiding principles for any meaningful relationship.

Request: Sit down with the list, and see how these needs of most compare to the needs of the person we call special. If nothing else, we might come up with a new or different list and have new and powerful knowledge to work with. Provide your input in the comments below. Happy loving…

Men’s Needs:

• Honor/Respect
• Sex (physical intimacy)
• Kindred fellowship
• Domestic support

Women’s Needs:

• Security/Safety
• Communication
• Non-sexual affection
• Leadership

Men’s Needs & Women’s Needs:

M#1 – Honor/Respect

W#1 – Security/Safety

M#2 – Sex (physical intimacy)

W#2 – Communication

M#3 – Kindred fellowship

W#3 – Non-sexual affection

M#4 – Domestic support

W#4 – Leadership